We’ve all heard the aphorism that two are better than one, but you would probably be surprised to learn that there is a scripture in the Bible that echoes the same sentiment.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NIV)
Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Here, scripture gives us about five reasons why two are more than one. First, the work of two earns more than that of one person, assuming that they made the same amount of money, but generally, it seems that two people would bring in more money than that of one or more resources at least.
Second, a pair is better when you’re injured. I recently read someone explain that the difficult part about dying alone is the necessity we have in our older age to have someone who can help us. I scratch your back, and you scratch mine.
Third, two people can produce more body heat. Perhaps this is a euphemism for the intimacy between two people or perhaps not. But intimacy is far better with a partner to say the least.
Fourth, two are better in a fight than one. We all have examples of this from our own lives. I can remember fights in my community where a set of twins fought one boy for attacking one of the twins singly. The two were able to get an upper hand.
Finally, its is clear that a braided chord is stronger than a strand. One simply needs to see the many threads within a rope to understand this principle.
What I find so interesting about this proverb is the obvious truth of each example of a pair’s advantage over a solo individual. It is almost pointless in my mind to provide the above examples to these five different advantages to being in a pair than a solo individual. Thus, we know the truth of these parables. The sad reality is that some people seem to be solo and not want to be.
There are those who are alone when the fall, they are alone when they are injured, they are alone when the lay down, and are alone when they are attacked. I mean this very literally. For whatever reason, some people struggle to “fit in”. They struggle to find that person who will be there for them. I have only had two such people in my own life. Personally, I have always found it very difficult to connect with people on a level of comfort. There was always the thoughts in the back of my mind that people were merely tolerating me, and the majority of times I was right. They were! I would say that the person who understands the truth of this proverbs yet can’t obtain the social relationships necessary is in a worse position than the person who doesn’t.
According to Abraham Maslow, the famed psychologist, renown for his hierarchy of needs, everyone has a need to belong. Hermit maybe an exception to the rule; however, introverts are clearly not. They may not have many friends, but often introverts can have a large number of associates while maintaining a close relationship with a small group of friends.
An introvert is popularly defined by a person who is reserved by nature while an extrovert is often considered to be talkative, loud, or unreserved. What does the rejected extrovert do about her social dilemma? This was also my dilemma. I have often been shunned and outcast from different social groups in many different contexts for my resistance to “group think”. This was a huge blow to my self-esteem and remains a challenge to me even still today. As a result, I have often tried too hard to make friends and, even, associates. I would often laugh when things were not funny, find myself explaining my actions to others so as not to be misunderstood, asking for the advice of others about matters where their opinions were not as good as mine were, and often going places where I was not accepted.
From my reflections on my constant attempts in the past for acceptance, for that second person, friend, associate, or group to which I belong, I would frequently make these same mistakes. So, I wrote some rules for myself to avoid having the same unfavored results.
Always Speak Positively of Yourself
When you have low self-esteem, it is easy to insult yourself in the presence of others when you’re embarrassed. It makes no sense, but we do it with the hopes that others will accept us. The effect that I’ve seen is that it makes others join in. People will begin to insult you. Why is this? This happens because we teach people how to treat us. People will feel about you the same way you feel about yourself. In one sense, you are your biggest poster board. You’re your biggest marketer or advertisement. The world looks at what you say about yourself and treats us accordingly. Subconsciously this makes sense. People don’t typically know us, but we do know ourselves, so they “take our word for it” in a sense. By insulting yourself frequently enough, people will begin to think that insulting you is acceptable.
Be Confident in Your Decisions, Words, or Actions
The bottom line here is not to get into a habit of explaining yourself to others. Psychologically, it seems that anyone who receives your explanation will feel superior to you and begin to treat you as if you owe them an explanation. Thus, when questioned by your peers about something ask them a question. This is turning the tables and making the person feel as though you have the high ground. You don’t owe them an explanation. They are your peers. Furthermore, there are some people who will question you. They will be your superiors in some sense. Whether on the job or at school, you will have those who are responsible for your actions. When they question you, offer a short and to the point answer. But Never, Never, repeat yourself. Some supervisors or managers have a way of asking you the same question, even after you’ve answered it, because they don’t like your answer. So, they ask the same question, wanting you to go into explaining yourself. Don’t do it. If you made a mistake, simply admit you did and move on. Don’t go into explaining why you did what you did. Some people simply want a fight, so they ask questions about why you did what you did even when they don’t care. They just want a reason to yell at you. So, don’t get sucked into breaking this rule.
Ask experts for advice
Do not get caught up in asking peers for advice. This is another way to make a person feel like they are superior to you. Don’t get me wrong. If the person is an expert, then, by all means, ask them for the knowledge and expertise. However, many times people with low self-esteem can ask advice from people who are not experts concerning an idea or action to be taken simply because they want approval. Subconsciously, I think that this is translated to into the minds of the people whose opinions we solicit, and our relationships with those people become something of a permanent teacher-student one. Your ideas won’t ever be good enough, and they “teacher” will feel so free to tell you why your ideas won’t work when its merely their lay person or non-expert opinions. The reverse of this rule is true as well. Don’t offer advice when it isn’t requested of you. I am guilty of breaking all of these rules constantly and with negative results, so don’t do it. When you offer advice that no one has requested, in the person’s mind they see you as a know-it-all and can feel like you’re forcing information down their throats.
Laugh when you find jokes funny
The mind can pick up on a lack of self-esteem in others when you laugh at jokes that you don’t genuinely find funny. Sometimes we can smile at jokes that we believe are inappropriate because we want the people telling the jokes to like and accept us. The opposite will happen. But this encourages bad jokes. So don’t do it. There are more rules, but I have not written them down as of yet.
In conclusion, by practicing these rules, I believe that you will begin to attract people. Because what people are attracted to most is our self-concept of ourselves and our actions, how we value our own thoughts and words, are more attractive than a self-deprecating way of trying to win friends and be accepted. This practice will also improve your self-esteem as well. To read more about Abraham Maslow’s work on basic human needs click here.